my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Randomize
