doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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