Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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