The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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