im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We need to feng shui this bitch.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
