next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
