I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he thought i was a dude.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Randomize
