if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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