when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
