surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
