i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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