i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
