ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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