And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
