I can text with my tongue
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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