I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize