Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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