i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
