I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
