doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
