in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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