I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
