She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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