if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
