It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
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