My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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