just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
