I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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