just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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