I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
