First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
