Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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