i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm way too hungover for life right now
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
