Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
