Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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