You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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