something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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