She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
