what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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