I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I looked at my own cervix.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
