Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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