Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
