you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Dicks are not precious.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
