break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
