Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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