my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
