You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
