He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
