If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
