My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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