You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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