Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
