WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
