I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
