Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
