hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
