GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
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That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
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antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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