if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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