if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
