I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH