I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
worst night to have a conscience
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
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He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
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I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad