I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
