No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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