it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
